2021

It’s been raining the whole day today on 1st January 2021.

I woke up to the sound of the rain pouring fiercely, and as I’m writing this at night, I still hear the rain softly pelting on the earth.

I love the rain. It makes me feel safe… It’s like the ultimate sign of comfort for me where I feel as though the universe is cocooning me in a cleansing embrace.

Maybe this day has been cleansing itself.

It’s like… you know after a long hot, stuffy day and you get all sweaty and icky… and a cold shower seems to wash the entire day off of you.

I guess that’s what the rain has been trying to do… It’s been trying to purify the earth of years of stuffy, stale, murky energy.

The first day of 2021 feels…. refreshing

Let’s see where this year leads 🙂

Freedom

this is the mess of perfection 

the ruthless addict of needing everything to be right 

running around in desperation 

using a shiny veneer of perfection, begging for love and belonging 

beneath the gloss of “im fine”s and sweet “thank you”s 

beneath the sequin smile of “it’s all good” 

there is a scream saying “it’s all a lie”.

a cut called vulnerability 

a wound called shame 

a pain called despair

a darkness that nobody wants to see

the doll of polished perfection has fooled so many. 

the fools are blind. they cannot see. 

they have been running around in circles forever and calling it progress. 

only the wise. 

only the willing. 

only those seeking for truth

they look deeper. 

do you think that freedom doesn’t come with a price? 

you have been disillusioned. 

then what you think is freedom has only been a disguise of imprisonment 

you have been a caged bird who forgot the colour of the sky. 

do you really want true freedom? 

then do not engage in such child’s play

true freedom..

it strips you of everything. 

everything. 

it leaves no trace behind. 

it is the death before death. 

the death of who you think you are

that is the only way 

you will 

come to life. 

~Mirrah Irdina

20 Dec 2020

I’m back

Well hello internet world.

I have not written in this blog for ages…

It has been what, like 3 years?

But almost every other day, I journal, and write. I’ve just not been compelled to write in a blog because I guess my mind has been too messy to express it through a blog like this.

So here it begins.

I feel ready to express myself again to the world, and I’ll start with writing.

 

rebirth.

So I haven’t written on my blog for quite a while. I’m thinking I may have supressed my inner artist… maybe Im ashamed of it. Maybe I’m scared of what my inner artist might create, and how people would see my creations.

I just realised I haven’t been brimming with creativity… like I used to. Maybe because I’ve been feeling a lot of shame recently towards myself . Creating from a space of shame feels almost impossible… how could you create if you reject yourself, or fear the rejection of others?
The very thing that once used to bring you alive, becomes the very thing that threatens your self concept, and makes you want to hide in a ball of shame.

Human beings are creators. We create with our ideas, our energy, our passion. We create with our actions, and our minds… and our desires

How do you think we came from the stone ages hunting animals, to living in skyscrapers with the world’s information literally at the palm of our hands?

The power to create is one of the best things about being a human being… The power of actualising a thought into matter… an idea into reality.

Creating is beyond exciting… To create is to live.. and to reach a stasis feels like death.

So I’ve been tapping into that power recently… I’ve been catching glimpses of inspiration whenever they spark up, and capitalising on them.

I’m learning about my own inner power to create. And thats when I found a block… the block of fear and rejection…

It’s funny how powerful the mind is. Thoughts can create anything… they can even create our worst fears and project them into everyday reality… and they start to feel so palpable until they actually start to feel real. .

Fear is also another funny thing. You can’t understand it just by reading dictionary definition…

When you feel it, you know it. Dictionary definition becomes a speck of dust…

You can’t theorise fear…

You can only experience it to know what to really do with it.

And so experience it I have.

It’s contricting, heart-racing, and introduces you to a buffet of painful thoughts…. And might I add… forces you to eat every single morsel until you’re reduced to a sobbing wreck..

Everytime I take a dive into my emotions, it feels like I won’t make it out alive…

And I know you’re probably thinking… well fear doesn’t seem like such a bad thing…You just.. get over it.

Well remember I said you cannot theorise fear, or any other emotion for the matter…
because when you feel it, you’ll know…
And when you know, you’ll understand.
And when you understand, “getting over it”, isn’t much help.

So.

I feel like I’ve solved a big inner mystery.

There is nothing that kills creativity more than fear, rejection, criticism and self doubt. In fact, those very things are the breeding ground for suppression, the opposite of self-expression.

I realise that I’ve been a butterfly with my wings cut off by the sharp, harsh blades of an inner critic gone unnoticed into the subconscious. And so I’ve been working on the beliefs that come with the snarky inner commentator…

I mean, as babies we are not born with such self-deprecating thoughts/behaviour…
A baby isn’t born believing there is something shameful about herself/himself… it’s something we pick up..

And this also made me realise how much criticism destroys creativity… There is a place for criticism, just not where original thought is being expressed.

Creativity & inspiration are gifts from the universe that need to be nurtured with the softness of self-love…

Harshness and criticism is what turns carefree children into adult zombies.

We have grown up with so much constriction and limitation that we have forgotten how it feels like to stare at the world with child-like wonder and curiosity, and to create without the barriers of disapproval.

And so today is the rebirth of my inner artist who has been buried beneath the soil of self-rejection…

It’s a start of rediscovering who I am whilst putting behind me who I think I am.

~Mirrah

28.07.2018

21:48

7 billion personalities. 7 billion realities

and here i am. one person. a singular perspective.

like an ant exploring a field of grass, thinking it’s the whole world.

i cannot fanthom what’s beyond the grass…

i heard they have concrete pavements where humans walk.

i heard there are tall walls that have multiple universes in them where humans live…

ive heard so many stories about the outside world from my ant friends who have not died from being stepped on… yet.

those who survive say the world out there is risky.

you are delicate and fragile.

the world… it’s unpredictable.

it’s so loud it frightens you.

paths are so uncertain and unknown it confuses you.

places are so big and unreachable it intimidates you…

but they say, that’s also where the golden pot of honey is. Sugar, syrup, all of the world’s sweetness lies out there, ironically where chaos also happens.

the world is so big…

like an ant, one single lifetime cannot do justice to what’s really out there.

and so this little ant trudges along the field of grass…

knowing there is more.

knowing something awaits…

i am that ant, amongst billions.

i am desperate to experience it all.

i want to have it all.

i am longing to be bigger than myself. maybe…

i am in thirst for meaning and reasoning.

maybe..

all im searching for is a deep awakening to who i really am.

maybe.

what i really seek is infinity.

~Mirrah

cartoon t shirt

t’s funny how time pasts in a split second when i look back in hindsight.

I came across my old tshirt. i feel so nostalgic. Like, i miss the little carefree girl who dreams about being a princess and wearing pretty pink dresses. But when she’s at home she immediately puts on a cartoon tshirt just because those dresses are so itchy and uncomfortable no matter how pretty they look.

it’s weird how… if i brought my 6 year old self next to my 16 year old self, we would be completely different identities… little me would never understand why i ever worry or get anxious about the future. She just wants to play with barbie dolls and wipe out the minature army of her brother’s green plastic soldiers.

she just wants to talk to her imaginary cartoon friends in the toilet while she’s pooping, or wonder why her hair will never be straight like it is in the shower.

i feel completely nostalgic.

like that part of me is somewhere stuck in time.

that part of me that just knows how to be.

that never has to feel the burden of expectations…

or the pressure of being perfect.

or worrying whether she will be successful or not.

she doesn’t even know how the world works. she doesn’t even know she doesn’t know that.

she is purely in presence, and having fun, and building fortresses with sofa pillows with her cousins.

the future doesn’t exist for her at all.

it’s just so funny how much we can’t relate to each other anymore.

& sometimes i wish i could be her again, over anyone i have ever wished to be.

~Mirrah

24.10.17

23:00

the frog story

some days life can be a huge contradiction.

you know sometimes when you are feeling so high, and you feel like you can rule the world and those moments when you know for sure that life is grand and awesome.

and then those moments when you crash from that high and feel so low like you have never known.

It’s like, when you’re in that high, you feel like you can conquer anything.

but when rubber meets the road, you realize it isn’t the case at all.

the low feels like you’re a frog in a well that can never dream of knowing what exists beyond the grey cold bottom.

and then when you realize you were born with frog legs for a reason!

so you could jump.

and so you jump, and jump and jump.

and with each jump you realize a new strategy.

until with that one jump that you enter the world again!

And it’s so beautiful you forget what it ever felt like to be in the damp mouldy end of hopelessness.

it feels like you got amnesia and you start jumping with so much happiness and light, and you start seeing the brightness of life, and the beauty of the stars at night.

Until one day, you come across a moss infested circular grey stone. you peer over the edge and get curious of what’s down there.

so you jump, and you hit rock bottom again.

the cycle repeats.

and that is what we call life.

~mirrah

24.10.2017

Feeling doubtful of yourself? You HAVE to do this now…

It’s super easy to fall into the rabbit hole of “I’m never good enough for the world.”

No matter how many good things happen, you seem to fall back in the same spot of insecurity. Your mind is giving 101 reasons why you suck, like a broken record.

Let’s be real; you can’t be positive 24/7. I’ve tried it before, and realise it was just emotional suppression of “forced positivity”.

However, being drowned by negativity is suffocation.

It takes guts to face scary thoughts, and not fake emotions. At the same time, it takes work not to believe everything your brain tells you.

I used to believe every thought I think.

For example.

If I had to do a task, and my brain suddenly says, “But you’re not skilled enough to do this.”

I’d believe my thoughts, and won’t bother trying.

The scary part is that I wasn’t even aware of it! It was purely an unconscious behavioural pattern.

Now, here’s what I’ve learnt about Self-Doubt that might scare you a little…

1. Doing the same thing over and over again.
Self-Doubt is a habit. Babies aren’t born to hate themselves; it’s a learned behaviour they pick growing up. This means, most of your actions are actually on auto pilot… Your life is essentially you doing the same things over and over again without you knowing it.

2) Awareness breaks the curse.
Habits don’t break magically. I wasn’t aware that I was always doubting myself coz I was so used to it… What are the things you are so used to thinking, that you don’t even realise it? The only way I transformed my life, was the AWARENESS that I was continually thinking negative thoughts about myself.

3) Never believe every thought you think. The brain is very good at convincing us… we are living in our own heads after all.

4) Intentionally praise yourself. Surprisingly, praises can be uncomfortable to receive because deep down, you may not feel like you deserve it. However, I made it a HABIT that whenever I go into self-doubt, I question my thoughts and acknowledge all the good things about myself.

—These are the Life Skills that has drastically changed my life as a Teen Entrepreneur, and I hope this helps you too.—

P.S Do you want to be an Entrepreneur, but FEAR is always pulling you back?

You don’t believe you’ll succeed…?
You think you’re too unskilled, and unsure how to start?

I’ve got good news for you:
With this Simple, Proven system, anyone can make money doing what they love.

I’m living proof. If I can, you can.

Learn more here: bit.ly/YourFinancialFreedomToday

#BelieveInYourself
#JustDoIt
#ThinkDifferently

What are u afraid of?

What are You afraid of doing? 
For me, it’s putting my thoughts on video.. or sharing them in general. it makes me feel vulnerable because it’s like i’ve just showcased a mini part of my mind, and when you get to know someone’s inner reality, it allows for connection, or for judgement. 
We live in a world where no 2 people think the same way. That’s the uniqueness of perception, but that very difference has created separation between the two polarities. We are attached to our idea of truth, and we will go lengths to defend it. 
I do that all the time. ALL the time, especially when I hold onto a new concept, a new realisation, I have a tendency of revolving my whole focus on that one way of thinkking,(until of course i realise it’s just one way of thinking)

 and then  what was Liberating now becomes Limiting… So i understand why we become so attached to the lense at which we see Life… because our Ego cannot exist without an identity backbone.. 
But Judgement. The fear of being judged. 
Everyone has that fear. Yet everyone does that to other people. 
It’s the irony and hypocrisy of humans. 
I Judge. A lot. and when i catch myself doing that, my brain freezes for a moment. 
It’s like my boundaries have to be re-evaluated… because what judgements are are just boundaries that separate. But where i get confused is when that is a good thing, and when that actually becomes toxic to the mind. 
But this all comes down to the psychology of Projection: 
What I see in you 

is what I see in me. 

And what i see in me, was what others had seen in me during the developmental stages of my unconscious (from birth to 8 years old usually)
So the things that i’m not okay with about myself, will likely present itself in another person… this happened to me the other day, when someone was being unfair to me.. but i realised that i had treated another person with that exact same unfairness. 
It’s like Karma. what goes around really does come around to stun you. Like a huge fat mirror. 
So essentially. what i’m really trying to say is: 
I’m afraid of People Mirrors. i’m afraid of being mirrored back all the things i hate about myself. 
So maybe that’s why we get so afraid to be seen. Because we’re afraid that the things we tell ourselves get amplified for the anyone in the world to see. 
~Mirrah~ 
http://www.MirrahIrdina.Wordpress.Com 

where will you be 8 years from now?

“I gave myself 8 years to Do It” 

The BILLION Dollar Idea~ Nick Woodman, Founder of Go Pro 

“When I was 22 years old, I promised myself that I would work my tail off till the age of 30, at the minimum, to succeed as an entrepreneur.” 
Nick failed 2 start-ups before Go Pro, which he started in 2004. In 8 years, it became a 500 Million Dollar Company. Today, It is worth more than 3 BILLION. 
This video made me wanna start my 8 year Journey. 

(The Epiphanies it gave me I just felt like tattooing all over my memory) 
When I was 9, I wondered how long 10 years would feel like. Now, it’s been 7 years. This makes me realise how FAST 7 years zipped right in front of my eyeballs.

But what this taught me, is to realise the power in years. The confirmation, that Now is the best time to start, even with all my insecurities, even with all my doubts and fears. Wondering where 8 years will lead me; the power of looking forward when things just don’t always turn out as expected. I anchor myself into the future in that way…

Yesterday, Sam Choo pointed out to me that I’m not an “aspiring” entrepreneur. I AM an entrepreneur, who is finding my path, searching to build something More for myself. What that something is, I don’t quite know yet. 

But till then, I’ll learn what I can learn now, by dipping my tippy toes into new experiences, out of my comfort zone. My 8 years, officially start Today. To what? To where?? 

I guess I’ll find out. 

Right now, in the beginning of my 8-year Journey, is building my foundation. Learning to Move with Fear, Learning to Move with Uncertainty… I feel like right now, this is my biggest lesson. To be able to pick myself up when things don’t go my way. It’s the thing causing me the most anxiety as of right now, and the most excitement as well. The fear of how I will be preceived, how my thoughts will be received. 
But despite that fear is also the sacredness of what I am writing, almost as if these are seeds I am planting, and I will see them grow in the next 8 years. Maybe it’ll be a Pineapple… Or an Apple.. Or a pen. I dont know. And it’s like I’m teaching myself to see the beauty in not knowing. 
And in a weird way I feel like my Future-Self is reaching out to me, nudging me straight into my fears, and then me coming out of it, a little shaken up like a shivering traumatized cat. 
But as I’m writing this now, I feel a strange comfort. 
It’s like “in order for something new to be built, a complete destruction of the old has to take place”. I’m not sure who said that… But it applies well to me right now. 
I could feel like I’m in a process where all my limiting beliefs are manifesting themselves, reflecting back at me eye to eye, trigerring in me a panic that calls for resolution.  
It feels like a major Rebirth, like the thoughts in my brain are rewiring themselves. Reconfiguring. Shifting gears, coming to terms that maybe the way it has been consuming the world for the duration it did, is no longer relevant. 
So this is my 8 year challenge for myself. 8 years (and more) of constantly rebuilding who I am. 8 years of working on my dreams, and then realising other goals and dreams I may have.  8 years of going for what I want, and understanding that it’s Okay if what I want changes. And 8 years of Learning, Unlearning, Relearning. 

So to the 24 year old me who is reading

 this, it’s all work in progress. I’ll meet you when I get there 😉 

💛Mirrah

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