So I haven’t written on my blog for quite a while. I’m thinking I may have supressed my inner artist… maybe Im ashamed of it. Maybe I’m scared of what my inner artist might create, and how people would see my creations.
I just realised I haven’t been brimming with creativity… like I used to. Maybe because I’ve been feeling a lot of shame recently towards myself . Creating from a space of shame feels almost impossible… how could you create if you reject yourself, or fear the rejection of others?
The very thing that once used to bring you alive, becomes the very thing that threatens your self concept, and makes you want to hide in a ball of shame.
Human beings are creators. We create with our ideas, our energy, our passion. We create with our actions, and our minds… and our desires
How do you think we came from the stone ages hunting animals, to living in skyscrapers with the world’s information literally at the palm of our hands?
The power to create is one of the best things about being a human being… The power of actualising a thought into matter… an idea into reality.
Creating is beyond exciting… To create is to live.. and to reach a stasis feels like death.
So I’ve been tapping into that power recently… I’ve been catching glimpses of inspiration whenever they spark up, and capitalising on them.
I’m learning about my own inner power to create. And thats when I found a block… the block of fear and rejection…
It’s funny how powerful the mind is. Thoughts can create anything… they can even create our worst fears and project them into everyday reality… and they start to feel so palpable until they actually start to feel real. .
Fear is also another funny thing. You can’t understand it just by reading dictionary definition…
When you feel it, you know it. Dictionary definition becomes a speck of dust…
You can’t theorise fear…
You can only experience it to know what to really do with it.
And so experience it I have.
It’s contricting, heart-racing, and introduces you to a buffet of painful thoughts…. And might I add… forces you to eat every single morsel until you’re reduced to a sobbing wreck..
Everytime I take a dive into my emotions, it feels like I won’t make it out alive…
And I know you’re probably thinking… well fear doesn’t seem like such a bad thing…You just.. get over it.
Well remember I said you cannot theorise fear, or any other emotion for the matter…
because when you feel it, you’ll know…
And when you know, you’ll understand.
And when you understand, “getting over it”, isn’t much help.
I feel like I’ve solved a big inner mystery.
There is nothing that kills creativity more than fear, rejection, criticism and self doubt. In fact, those very things are the breeding ground for suppression, the opposite of self-expression.
I realise that I’ve been a butterfly with my wings cut off by the sharp, harsh blades of an inner critic gone unnoticed into the subconscious. And so I’ve been working on the beliefs that come with the snarky inner commentator…
I mean, as babies we are not born with such self-deprecating thoughts/behaviour…
A baby isn’t born believing there is something shameful about herself/himself… it’s something we pick up..
And this also made me realise how much criticism destroys creativity… There is a place for criticism, just not where original thought is being expressed.
Creativity & inspiration are gifts from the universe that need to be nurtured with the softness of self-love…
Harshness and criticism is what turns carefree children into adult zombies.
We have grown up with so much constriction and limitation that we have forgotten how it feels like to stare at the world with child-like wonder and curiosity, and to create without the barriers of disapproval.
And so today is the rebirth of my inner artist who has been buried beneath the soil of self-rejection…
It’s a start of rediscovering who I am whilst putting behind me who I think I am.