thougts

Do you know the nerve-wrecking feeling of nervousness. Of anxiety.

Like, the next step to take could go one of two ways. It could go really well. Or. It could be a nightmare.

Im exhausting the possibilities of what could go wrong in hope that none of them happen. Aka, i overthink.

I overanalyze until i lay paralyzed with fear. And i hope that none of them happen.

Im nervous as hell. Like seriously the closer i am to taking this step, the realer it is. The harder reality hits me across the face. Reality isn’t always gentle.

I cant help but exhaust myself with what could go wrong because every single time i expect good, none of them happens the way i wanted it too. All of them took a turn to its worst and left me disappointed.

Like seriously.

This bedroom is for the thoughts that make me panic. It’s a safe place where i can really feel what i feel without needing to hide it and save it for later.

This bedroom is my literal haven. It’s the place where all my desires are born and also all my fears. But it’s a place where even the walls comfort me. It’s that close to my heart.

This is the place where i fantasize about moving out someday on my own. I know i’ll have to leave certain things behind someday, like this room.

I dont know why but there are some houses that I’ve stayed in that still call me. Houses that i’ve left for like 8 years. Like my childhood houses.

And oh boy. Oh boy.

Im so scared and so afraid. The waters look like they haven’t eaten in months. And it looks like im the meal it’s been waiting for all its life.

Change is scary shit. Decisions.

In this reality, there are big girl panties to pull up. But that’s just a way to cope.

After everything, it happens again.

The fear.

Insecure.

Insecure about being insecure.

There are two kinds of fears that have their own intensities. And its intensity is dependent upon how much you are focused upon it, how much you sre aware of it basically.

It’s right to say that whatever you focus on grows. But it’s just a matter of awareness that brings whatever you’ve hidden and denied suddenly appear for what it seems to be the first time. When in reality it has existed within you all the while.

So yes. What you focus on grows. It didn’t suddenly appear. It was there all along.

Intensity is changeable. Intensity is just how much you want to feel.

And. When you deny whatever you feel, you are still experiencing it on a sub-conscious level.
So, it’s either you experience things consciously or sub-consciously.

You might have denied shame.
So as a result, you still feel shame sub-consciously.

It doesn’t go away. It’s like a child that needs you to understand it.

And that’s why people get miserable really. All ages no exepctions.

I’ve just been particularly more aware of my thoughts than ever before. And it feels great and really really bad at the same time.

Like it gives me relief to finally accept my emotions. And at the same time when they crash it feels bad. Like when i sink into it, i feel the emotion so deeply that the emotion knows i allow it in. And that i see it. And i feel it.

It’s true they say certain experiences follow you to the end of the earth. Different faces, different places. But tge same emotion begging for attention and love.

They follow you to the ends of the earth, wherever you are.

So now, whenever i find myself denying my emotions, i say to myself , “It’s either i face this consciously or sub-consciously.”

And the thing about the sub-conscious is that they have the things we dont know that we dont even know. And sometimes emotions slip into the sub conscious without you even realising.

Because sometimes emotions need to stay in the sub-conscious; it cannot be pulled forcefully into the light of consciousness.

There will always be sub-conscious thought patterns. Sometimes, they dont want you to realise it because it knows that your first instinct toward it is to get rid of it.

And emotions dont want to be gotten rid of. They dont want to be consciously realised for the sake of it being removed.

It’s not anyone’s job to do anything.

The thing about thoughts is that it gets complicated because of the many loopholes it has.

But go on with whatever.

You’re never wrong.

You’re never right.

You’re just what you are. And what are you?

That’s a question. That’s one hell of a question. And you dont need to know what you are. Or who you are. There isnt anything you need to do. Spmetimez you might know and sometimes you go searching or sometimes you really dont care. It’s just a mystery. There are rules, and there are no rules. You have your own and you can go by them or against them. And whatever you find is yours to do whatever with.

You can do whatever you want. And yet you are still constricted by your own beliefs.

There are so many things. No words could explain.

3.31 am

29th December 2015

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Dimensions

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I believe in different dimensions. And because of that, it makes me wonder of a world beyond my physical senses.

I believe that in the higher dimensions, the things that exist there are less dense and thus they couldn’t be seen by beings grounded in the dimensions below it.

The reason why i wonder and wonder and wonder what exists somewhere out there beyond the rainbows, beyond the air, beyond the molecules that make up this human being.. A human being that wonders beyond its own body.

Maybe i exist somehwere else too…

Maybe this three-dimensional plane isn’t the only reality i exist in.

There’s this thing i do where the more i focus on how physical i am or my surroundings is, the more i feel like I’m not in my body. 

Call it crazy. It is.

Im convinced. There is more.

And like Carl Sagan said, “If you think there’s more, there is.”

And now it’s like a duh fact for me. Now. I just want to explore that which i cannot see.

20:40

29th December 2015

Mirrah

Adventure awaits

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18th Dec 2015
3:16am

I feel fearful sometimes… and small. And very very insecure.

God sent me an angel earlier today to remind me of many things I forget easily.  It made me feel so much hope… So much hope.

Change is intimidating. Right now is me living in the pretense of what could be… and there’s too many things that could be, that could happen. Too many things… And overthinking is something that just can’t do without me. Right here right now, over analyzing is too much for me to resist. It’s like a wave pushing me into a rapid current of “what ifs” and “what if nots”. And this is the part where i dont even try to push it away because i. Just. Couldnt.

Sometimes these demeaning thoughts make me wonder many things. And they make me ask a heck ton of questions about everything.

And in turn the universe replies in all sorts of amusing ways. Very very very amusing. And sometimes by amusing, I mean it leaves me hungry for more. I just want to know what this is all about, what everything is all about.

Curiosity is a funny thing. As funny as the universe, as frustrating as the universe. Curiosity always knows there’s more, it just cannot settle for less, at least this is what curiosity does to me.

Yep. Yep. Yep… i like to ramble. Honestly. At this point i feel very insecure. At this point i have edited a lot of things because.

But like i said the universe is interesting. Interesting enough. Too interesting for my liking sometimes.

Sometimes.

Earlier today, it felt really good because i had a talk with a very special person. And she talked about her insecurities and i didnt feel so alone anymore.

The saying “youre not alone” is hugely frustrating… until the universe shows you what it means right before your eyeballs.

And then you feel better.

Well, i felt better.

Next year. Next year is just a whole other adventure. It could be scary. It could be fun. It could be meh. Or it could be a mixture of all. Secretly i hope i dont have to face the scary. The scary is… very scary. That’s why i overthink everything. I have this belief that if i thought consciously of all the bad things that would happen, it wouldnt happen.

And i tested my theory. It works 60% of the time. Im not very good with the statistics, but me still doing it proves how much i dont want to mess next year up.  I just dont want it to go haywire..

Lemme tell you something. The same experiences will keep repeating itself over and over again until goodness knows how long. It will chase you wherever you go.

I didnt really understand what that meant until it happened to me… well, it is going to happen to me.

I have been very brutally honest with myself ever since i discovered Teal’s teachings… and i have had some major discoveries.

The universe is a mind game. It’s all fun and rosy.

Until.

I actually thought i got over some things, until Bam. It just came charging full speed in my direction. Haywire.

All my fears about next year is exactly what i had to go through two years ago, only with a few roles reversed. Different places different faces. But the same fear, even more exaggerated in this case.

The same things i supressed two years ago comes back to me again right now, onlooking another two years to come. In my mind im like shit…’    
Like, yes. You’ve got my attention. My full attention. My emotions have the upperhand now, and all justifications against them are in my awareness, but they step aside to let my feelings feel.

Like yes. You got me. I hear you now. Speak.

And so they speak their sorrows and cry their tears. And they beg me to not leave them alone.

Not this time.

So i feel them. So i worry. So i feel the anxiety that rips me apart. I feel the anxiety of what ifs. I feel them and i wonder. When do they really go away?

And then my emotions get angry because they dont want to be just another list to complete. They want to be fully understood. They dont want to be something to be listened to just so it could be eradicated. They want to be accepted and voiced…. And i watched this beautiful discussion between Teal Swan and Matt Kahn… And Matt said that you dont let go of the why. The why lets go of you.

And in the moment i realised all this. A part of me just understood the other parts of myself that just want to be understood.

And i feel relief because once my feelings have been given a voice, they make way for other feelings to be felt. But they dont falter… they simply know that i know that all they want is love. And all they really want is to be loved and accepted.

Like i said… they dont falter. They still exist. They will live with me forever and always, and they will forever and always just want love.

Teal and Matt said something so extraordinary. They said that emotions are like children. They want your approval and attention and love… and since you pay little attention to it when things are going well for you, and pay most attention to it when things arent going so well…….

They will always want your attention even if it was negative. And thus, it will continue trying to catch your attention..

And oh boy oh boy. This one caught my attention.

Teal said that being present means being present with whatever emotion arises within you. Even if that meant sadness, or even happiness. Sit with yourself through those times and let the emotion course through..

Even resistance is a child wanting to be loved…

And so is jealousy… and anger… and happiness…

Surprise surprise… most people on earth wont allow themselves to be happy. Or being angry… or being jealous…. or being judgemental….

And im still so afraid of whatever it is that might happen. Still afraid. Honestly fear is something i want to get rid of so badly, and i know how much of a peace theif it is.

The funny thing that gave me a huge paradigm shift ….. ready ….

Is that even the part of you that wants all negative emotions gone wants to be loved. It equally craves love and approval.

A huge shocker. So now. It’s like i have so many children to listen to, so many children with different wants and needs. I dont know who to listen to first. I just dont know. One belief is just contradicting the other and i have to accept both???

And then i start to feel overwhelmed like i always do with these emotions. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that i have to keep a mental note to get back to feeling an emotion because i would be too overwhelmed to face it.

It’s such a funny thing… a funny thing to watch from a distance, but it’s another thing to actually touch it. With bare naked hands.

I wonder. I just wonder.

Because my mind keeps changing so many many many times… i just wonder where a year would even lead me.

I wonder. And i wonder..

You could go about this in circles, which is what i do. Or, you could go about it in circles.

It isnt actually a bad thing… There are just some things you havent seen the first time… You go around in circles and the way you look at things changes, so the thing you look at literally changes.

It’s always about what to clear next…what to change next about yourself in terms of how you are and what you feel. Always something to change like there’s something wrong about something so natural.

You know… Because my mind has been changing so many times about so many things, i was lead to one of Matt’s talks. And something that jumped at me really readily…

“… …i am guiding you unto becoming a guide unto yourself……. in the modern day spiritual era, there are spirit guides who help you to learn how to guide yourself… A guide, if given power from someone, is only there to polish your power and give it back to you more sparkly than you gave it. I am a power polisher, not a power taker……. and to make a shift in consciousness where you are not a person waiting to be guided, but you are the guide of the body, residing in form.” – Matt Kahn.

This. I dont even know. But when i heard this, it felt like as if the universe had given me the realisation that my opinions are as valid as the next person. My beliefs. My beliefs are a legit part of me that have their own guidance system. My beliefs are legit and real… and whatever i resonate with are legit… and that it would always lead me to something else. And something else and something else. And it would never end. And it would be a never ending process of self discovery that could either be beautiful or scary but either way it would still be really really…. wow.

Because every single time you discover something new, you discover a part of yourself.

And im just… saoking in the new paradigm.

Ah well..

I should go now. Anyways…

Till next time.

Mirrah.

5:11am

2015 is coming to an end

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My mind is screaming.

How the hell is this even possible?

My mind is repeating this over and over again trying to match logic with reality, immediately finding that something is amiss.

I found myself staring at my watch just now, something I do very often when I get lost in my own thoughts. And I realised that this year just went by right before my eyes. Maybe that’s why they say that time is an illusion. Time is a deceiving little trickster. Sometimes it amuses me, but sometimes it makes me question everything I have ever thought to be true about the earth and my existence.

Yes. Time makes me go down the road of questions.

Time takes me places. It takes me to realisations too, because before I know it, I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room anymore next month…

I couldn’t believe that it has been a year and half ago that I left school, and 2 years since I had first stepped into TJC. It’s such a difficult thing for me to grasp because everything’s just going on so fast. Maybe this is just the nature of time, or maybe im just having a tough time catching up.

Three years ago, 14 would have been an outrageous number. 14 meant adulthood and maturity and all the grown up stuff. But being 14 feels so weird to me right now. … feels so bizarre that I would have thought like that just 3 years ago.

And so much has changed since then.

And I am writing right now with so much disbelief. I want to remember this day, 9.46pm, Sunday December night. I want to look back at this one day and maybe me and future self can share our disbelief.

 

Time is such a funny thing. Such a funny thing.

It can make me cry too… Sometimes I wish it could go slower. And when I realise that it’s moving too slowly, I beg it to move faster so that all of this can just be part of a memory.

And memories make me nostalgic. Very nostalgic. And I don’t even know why. And when I get nostalgic i’ll cry.

Time is a mystery. I know theoretically that time only exists in this third dimensional plane which is just a hologram. And everything is an illusion…

In other dimensions time doesn’t exist.

I’m really not sure how that works but it’s a mystery. A heck ton of secrets floating somewhere somewhere. Somewhere out there.

Next year is coming soon. I’m actually really nervous.

6th November 2015

10:09 pm