inner artist

Random Rambles

Art is within everyone. 

That is what I realised when my manic inner artist bursted through the seams, maneuvering its way with colourful threads and pieces of paper. 

Sometimes it does that when i write, and it would feel like words are instantly being  written out on paper without my conscious effort. It feels like an uninterrupted flow of thought that expresses itself through a hand scribbling across a page. (right now as im writing im not really feeling that flow… It feels like im trying to push through writer’s block with meaningless sentences that are supposed to make meaning. )

But from what i have experienced, expression is liberating. 
But it can come with the other side of the spectrum. De-pression. 
Depression feels like a hibernation from expression… It makes me wonder sometimes like hey, where did all that creative energy go? 
Like woah.. where did you go inspiration? 

And then.. I realised that… energy can never be destroyed. It can only be transferred. ( thanks science class..). This realisation was a break from a repetitive thought patterm of “i always have to be happy.” 

Expression is when energy flows through you and outwards,and you have all the energy it takes to create…. while depression is energy flowing through you and within you, because there’s something about yourself that you have yet to discover..

It feels draining to write about emotions honestly… because to put a definition to it feels limiting.. 

Thought is very malleable. The minute  perspective changes… everything i see changes and nothing is the same. Old definitions of whatever becomes irrelevant and old news.
 
it feels really aimless to be writing about something abstract… versus when i am experiencing something abstract. Honestly, both are aimless. But i do it anyway just because. 

 i dont actually know where im really going with this one. 
But it’s fun to just… write it out you know? 

Mirrah. 

 

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happiness.

thougts

 

 

109576-107589.jpg

“Money doesn’t bring you happiness. It just gives you more options.”

 

When i read that, it’s almost as if… it struck something in me. I feel like i have sunken deeper into parts of my mind that i have never seen before. Like i’m about to discover the part of myself that actually, genuinely knows that happiness is a wavering thing.

Which thus makes it…

a very…

pointless goal.

I got the sentence above from a book i just randomly took. I flipped to a random page and there it was.  It seems like it really is the message to hit home. Maybe happiness just isn’t the goal.

And what if sadness wasn’t the goal either? The two extremities of life, and all its in betweens are just redundant factors to, and of life.

 

Until the next write,

Mirrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

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poetry

Cliche is boring and boring is cliche. 

Words are cliche. It seems like everything’s been said before. The same realisations and conclusions are boring. 

Repetition. Repetition. I feel like a repetition of history. I feel like questioning time why it stands to observe the same things. 

It seems like time doesnt like my pessimistic ways. and neither does it think optimisim to be necessary. It’s neutral and takes no stand. What a bore. 

I feel like a bore. 

i feel like frustrations are getting old. Like the same joke on replay becomes dust that has lost meaning. 

Predictable unpredictability. 

Non-sensical philosophies. Oxymororns. Very cliche. 

nothing special. 

Subconscious. Conscious. Subconscious. Conscious. 

My mind moves in between these two states. 

nothing takes me seriously because nothing gives me a definite answer. And the only answer seems to be repetition. all over again. 

Staying in muddledness. like lalaland. 

that has to come to a grinding halt. 

Does it really have to? 

I’m not sure. 

It all just seems like worrisome poetry to me. 

Questions from an Atom

Fiction of the universe, Uncategorized

Billions of years have contributed to change. Nothing ever stays the same.

Living beings have lived through life with their biochemistry responding to different situations, and then through generations upgrading certain mechanisms to improve efficiency.

The peppered moths, a widely used example of evolution. The honeycomb, and a bee’s ability to structure a hexagonal shape. And of course, there’s us humans.

The human DNA is as tiny as we can possibly imagine. I saw a video by TED which explained the size of an atom. The number of atoms in a grapefruit is the equivalent to the number of blueberries that could fill up the earth. An atom the radius of a football stadium would have a nucleus the size of a marble!

The DNA is embedded in the nucleus, which makes it a hell lot smaller. And according to researches all over the world, we literally alter our DNA through experiences and environmental factors, such as the food we eat.

All this bizarre chemistry is taking place in your body this very instant. Millions of cells dying, respiring, reproducing. Blood is moving throughout your body! You are one complex machine that carries out these processes without needing your conscious effort. And then there’s the mind that wants to know itself, and what the heck the body is doing. See, the mind doesnt even know! That itself could prove so many things about how automatic our systems are, or perhaps what defines us as a human. Is our consciousness then separate from our mind, only needing the body so it could better analyse the world? And perhaps our bodies need our brain, and they need each other because a body without a mind would be pointless, and a mind without a body would be inefficient.

And we are driven by whatever we are driven by, maybe it’s curiosity but maybe it’s deeper than that. Or maybe we are just what chemicals we like flooding in our brains, and that is our one and only influence.

these are my marvels; linking philosophy with biology and psychology. Seeing where they all meet, and realising that no one has the definite answer. Philosophers, science specialists, mathmeticians, all the great thinkers throughout history came up with discoveries only to wonder more. 

Why do we think the way we do? Why do objects interact this way when this force is applied?

Questions, the pinnacle of self-awareness.

 

 

 

new discoveries and questions

The bizarre world, thougts, Uncategorized

We’re always on the hunt for something new, or at least, i am. At some point the same story gets boring, and the mind clutches on to a brand new perspective of life.

Paradigm shifts, bursts of new insights. Life becomes a mystery yet again, and the questions lead to more questions.

It all boils down to this vastness, of matter, and of non-tangible realities. The atom built of protons and neutrons coming together through their chemical tendencies, gradually quilting this 3-dimensional plane.

and then to question the things our brain just couldnt conceptualize, like the stars on black space, or the beginning of everything.

We are humans made out of chemicals, seeking chemicals that give us a high. Dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline. The very hormones that are responsible for our existence and our quest, pulling us towards ecstasy. The very basis of our lives, built upon our biology.

But who are we? What are we?

Simply the result of our brain activity?

The fact that we are just like any other organism, except that we can think and create these magnificent creations inspired by yet again, our brains.

My mind screams at me, the possibilities with tools like science and theories configured by other minds. I am in awe. And as for right now, this is the lense at which i view the world, until of course, it changes again.

 

Mirrah

21st May 2016

1:14pm

 

Just April Thoughts

Random Rambles, thougts

I breathe in days that turn to weeks, that are now jotted and pasted in the memory of “before”.

What i breathed in and breathed through has now become a fuzzy piece of the earth’s history. Not recorded in books, just in the universe’s memory.

I would love to time-travel, at the same time, i would not. Escaping time is escaping the breaths that changes the landscape of your mind. Getting from here to there with no in between leaves you hanging with the contents of time spilling. Missed accomplishments, missed satisfaction.

But if you ever manage to do that, then the in between was never for you anyways.

I think time just doubled its speed.

It’s like im just watching a scene repeat with different variations, but this time, the differences are chiming in rapidly. Changing to the atmospheres of different days, landing me where i want to be and where i dont want to be. It’s like a monstrous rollercoaster ride that you have to ride over and over again, and each time you somehow get used to the rhythm and it isnt so scary, but still tedious.

Ticking off the last week of April gets me thinking. In fact, everything gets me thinking now. Something activates in my head and i go in a spiral of wonder that leads me nudging my head at time’s caccoon.

I would be a bird if i could. But im human so i walk with feet on the ground that never seem to escape me. If i were a bird, i think i would be too free to observe time and feel minute differences. Nothing would astonish me. It would be repetition, and repetition is frustratingly agonizing.

So right now, everything is just a matter of chancing upon a new perspective. A new angle and new experiences.

It’s really funny how perspective is, because last week, i went up on my roommate’s bed, and the room looked hugely different from that angle, than it does from my bed.

My “technique” really is looking forward until i find comfort.

29.04.2016

Mirrah

 

 

 

7 billion people

Random Rambles

The earth is huge.

Image result for 7 billion people experienced today differently quoteWe dont see 7 billion people everyday; it’s just an idea in our minds that there are people scattered all over in one sphere floating in space.

All 7 billion a part of this day in day out regime.

Trying to conceptualize this fact is bizarre. I’m taking into consideration the variety of experiences taking place in this one second. everyone is living their lives with their own set of routines and priorities.

And here i am, living my life whilst at times oblivious to the outside world around me. Everyday is like a bubble i feel like popping so i could freely wonder away in places i have never seen and get used to different things.

7 billion people. And im one of them, just waiting for the next day and dreaming an exciting future ahead.

I somewhat like that. I like the wait because in it is where the anticipation is. In it is where the daydreaming takes place and i can control everything. The future is blank canvas.

Anything can happen, the ones you least expect.

7 billion people.

When i realise how many people there are going about their life in this moment, it makes me feel relief. It takes me out of my bubble and wonder about the grander scheme of things.

Life makes me excited sometimes, and that’s where the comfort lies – looking forward.

 

Mirrah

14.4.2016

 

When intuition hurts

Uncategorized

Intuition really hurts because it tells you the truth.
I catch my train of thoughts and challenge them, and there was once when i found myself evading an opinion because i didnt want it to be true. I realise i did that often, so i began to do the opposite. I started to open my mind to the possibility of something being true.

And i guess it turned me into a really anxious person, because now im taking every hunch seriously. All the things i usually dismissed with plaster affirmations now are staring at me wide eyed.

I could feel more. About people, places and whatever. And i catch patterns and i theorise them and i test them out. It’s all an experiment in my head, toying around with the law of cause and effect while my emotions are at stake.

now i look at someone and i dont shake off the first feeling i get. I more than just consider it a possibility. I accept it as cold hard truth and that makes me feel very insecure about myself.

I dont love to overthink, it just so happens to be a part of my cognitive nature. I dont even try to snap out of it anymore. It clings onto me and now its like skin.
It’s a scary metaphor when something becomes your skin. You cant peel it off. Period.

But overtime skin sheds.

It’s amazing how your thoughts take charge of emotions. All you need is an epiphany before you can see beyond the boundaries of fear. Paradigm shifts.

Until next time

Mirrah

 

the earth spins

poetry

The earth spins.

Beyond it, rocks and nebulas of different colours float in black space. From billions of years away, you could spot them as specks of streaming light.

I want to pierce the black blanket in wonder of what exists beyond seemingly infinite darkness.

You can find me, some where within superclusters of clusters. Look for the sphere with faint white swirls and patches of different colours on dark blue. .

If and when you do find it, plunge through the layers of clouds and you will sort through again, variety. This is a place where people live. Different bodies and different minds all in the same air.

 

I am a perspective, tossed in between routines and drowned within thoughts. To you, i may be just another one navigating through with what i have and you are right

Mirrah

3.4.2016

 

identity

Existential Crisis

“You have to start thinking about the friends you’re making. You’re not giving  a very good impression here,” she said with a couple other words that passed me by.

Her chiding tone left me with a hollow feel of shame, and it intensified as my brain further registered her disappointment. I felt like a little kid who was reprimanded for doing something wrong and then continuing the day like the biggest loser.

I felt like a loser.

It’s one of those feelings where i just dont want to say anything anymore, or even do anything. I’m one step closer to being fed-up with not being heard. One step closer, whilst still being completely afraid. Afraid that if i said something, no one would listen, or if they did, they’d do it out of pity. and eventually they’d get tired of what i have to say, and stun me with unexpected disapproval.

I hate adults because of the power they have over me. I hate how they dominate with rules, the pettiest rules exaggerated into harsh insult. I hate adults because they have the upper hand for calling me out, while i’m just… Rude. Or giving off a bad freaking impression.

“You are your own person,” she also said.

In complete disdain.
In complete annoyance.

So many voices in my head, and i dont know which sounds belong to me. Maybe they all do. i cant tell.

But if only she knew. And i hate her for not knowing.

That i actually dont know who i am. And maybe i’m just obsessed with identity, and that makes me cling onto whatever i can get my hands on, cling on for dear dear life.

But when i find something that might just be a part of me, people like her come along to disapprove me and ruin my Friday and make me go in an existential crisis swirl that never seems to end.

Now i dont know if i really like the things i like.

And if i hate the things i hate. What if i made an enemy out of it just so i could relate to people i have no choice but to relate to?

and i dont know me. I dont know how to stand up for myself. I dont know how to be firm, because whenever i fight back, i feel powerless again.

Mirrah

6:51pm, Friday, 11.3.2016