Existential Crisis

“You have to start thinking about the friends you’re making. You’re not giving  a very good impression here,” she said with a couple other words that passed me by.

Her chiding tone left me with a hollow feel of shame, and it intensified as my brain further registered her disappointment. I felt like a little kid who was reprimanded for doing something wrong and then continuing the day like the biggest loser.

I felt like a loser.

It’s one of those feelings where i just dont want to say anything anymore, or even do anything. I’m one step closer to being fed-up with not being heard. One step closer, whilst still being completely afraid. Afraid that if i said something, no one would listen, or if they did, they’d do it out of pity. and eventually they’d get tired of what i have to say, and stun me with unexpected disapproval.

I hate adults because of the power they have over me. I hate how they dominate with rules, the pettiest rules exaggerated into harsh insult. I hate adults because they have the upper hand for calling me out, while i’m just… Rude. Or giving off a bad freaking impression.

“You are your own person,” she also said.

In complete disdain.
In complete annoyance.

So many voices in my head, and i dont know which sounds belong to me. Maybe they all do. i cant tell.

But if only she knew. And i hate her for not knowing.

That i actually dont know who i am. And maybe i’m just obsessed with identity, and that makes me cling onto whatever i can get my hands on, cling on for dear dear life.

But when i find something that might just be a part of me, people like her come along to disapprove me and ruin my Friday and make me go in an existential crisis swirl that never seems to end.

Now i dont know if i really like the things i like.

And if i hate the things i hate. What if i made an enemy out of it just so i could relate to people i have no choice but to relate to?

and i dont know me. I dont know how to stand up for myself. I dont know how to be firm, because whenever i fight back, i feel powerless again.


6:51pm, Friday, 11.3.2016



OBE explained by a nerd

The bizarre world, Uncategorized


Out of Body Experience (OBE) means exactly what it says. OBE is literally floating out of your physical body.


I know. It sounds super crazy. And many people might have negative associations with this, or simply dont believe it is scientifically possible. There have been nuerous research done on this subject, and scientists have come to explain this phenomena as”hallucination” or “a small glitch in the coordination of certain neurons”. Go. Google. It. Trust me. Your mind, my mind, everyone’s mind is just plain weird. Purely, purely, insanely weird.

But the way science explains this makes it lose its magic somehow. There’s this rigidity in science that constraints this reality to a certain limit of possibilities. But view it however you like! Just imagine me as the  woo-woo nerd who’s overtly excited to share about this new discovery.


I chanced upon several videos about OBE  a few months ago when I got really interested in the ‘New Age’ world. Gradually, my impression about the world started to shift and i became curious about the universe and my surroundings.  My mind was blown. Everything is not what it seems. The universe has many secrets.

I am open to the idea of there being more to this than this. I believe that i am a physical human being who exists on this 3-dimensional plane, where everything is tangible. However, I also believe that there are different other dimensions that not everyone can have immediate access to. Certain people, however, are born with the ability to perceive these realities.

Read more on my thoughts about Dimensions: Dimensions by Mirrah Irdina

Some refer to these people as “indigoes” or “extrasensories”. I just call these abilities ‘psychic’. and there are different psychic ailities, one of them being synesthesia, where a person could hear colour and see sound. The woo-woos would call it the ability to see auras.

But, you dont have to be born with these abilities to have access to them. You could develop it anytime in your life, and an example of this is the monks who change their brain structure through meditation. Bizarre things happen when people start becoming aware of their minds. Studies have shown monks being able to control their body temperature by focusing deeply concentrating on their breath.

I have noticed that everyone has different abilities. For some, it may be seeing auras, but for some others, it may be feeling the aura. There’s an interesting video on YouTube by Teal Swan about auras if you want to know more.

Anywho. I tend to sidetrack. Back to OBE.

Everyone goes out of body when they sleep. Lucid dreaming and astral projections are perfect examples of this. The differences between these types of OBE are its intensities. Ever had a dream where you were about to fall down, and then suddenly jolt awake? The dream seems real doesnt it? It makes me wonder. Where do we really go when we sleep…?

I looked up video after video of people’s experiences getting out body. They described it as a “tingly sensation” spreading throughout their body as they consciously stepped out of it.

Through their description, i realised that there have been times when i was asleep and my body would start to feel all tingly and I couldn’t move it. There was one time when i was fully aware of it happening, and i felt like as if my body was floating.

There are many ways to have an OBE. It differs for different people.

One way is to focus on your breath for a few minutes and then repeating this mantra ‘I am relaxed and I am having an out of body experience’. Soon, the body will tingle. And then after that… something happens.

I’ve never tried it before so i dont know what exactly happens after that. But imagine if you could literally explore the universe.

For some reason , the thought of it makes me feel helpless. It makes me feel left out in the vast vast vast universe where there’s so many things to see and I feel like as though i have to catch up to all of them.

But now, it’s just reality, where days go by and stuff just happens. There’s the scary, and then there’s exciting and sometimes somewhere in the middle.

Life… might just be an experience out of another body we have somewhere somewhere.

7th March 2016


LAX Nudged Me To Dream


I realised how big the world is. Or how tiny it can look like from the plane.
And sometimes, I wish to fly above the whole world just because it feels empowering. To be able to see from a careful distance, humans as they go about their lives. Wouldn’t it be interesting to have such a privilege?

There’s something about the airplane that makes me exhausted. I just figured out that I hate long flights in small cramped spaces. They make me highly annoyed and my back hurts and my spine just feels all cramped up. I just dont have a good time when I’m tired with damp armpits that havent been washed for ages.
Also, the window seat makes me frustrated, which is surprising considering how much the sky amazes me. Well, it just amazes me so much its frustrating to try and take it all in. There’s so many realisations that could come from staring at white balls of water floating in the air. Sometimes its difficult to keep up with sudden thoughts about the world and the universe.

I’m trying to come up with words the way Los Angeles had taken me in as a visitor… Though I have to warn the non-woo-woos of my mind’s esoteric tendencies when it comes to interpreting things.

LA had people of different ethnicities, from Mexican to Asian, to the really tall natives. And in the course? The majority of the room, i mean like 99.99% were extroverted, bubbly Americans. Their generally outgoing nature made me really intimidated.

Being around much older adults who just seemed to know what to say and when to say it spiked up the social anxiety squirming within me. It was so uncomfortable, and I didnt feel like I was fitting in. The course was about business, so all of the people who attended had a business of their own, while I had completely zero experience in business management.

So I sat through the course, with an unsightly tan line that circled my whole face. I’m laughing as I write this because it’s just super amusing. And did i mention I took my hijab off? Yep. Yep. Yep.

Marisa Murgatroyd shared so many things during the first day alone. And by the first day, I literally mean 4 hours. The next four hours were rightfully dedicated to me sleeping on the softest mattress with my sweaty socks on. It wasn’t on purpose, I swear. Kak Azlin and I finished early for lunch and we trusted ourselves to not oversleep, which was clearly an interesting failure.

But throughout the whole course, I could feel people getting inspired, and I felt suddenly inspired. There was excitement in my belly for a new realisation that hit me hard all of a sudden. And that realisation was that i did not have to wait till i was 20 to think about what it is that i want to pursue in life.

After almost a year of not being in school, being thrown back into routine can be quite… fun and exciting. But after a while, especially after I had that epiphany, I also realised that school is like a train. It carries students through time, providing us with education until we reach the legal age for us to be out in the world with the knowledge we have acquired. This institution has been the promising factor in the successes of an adult, that the more he/she achieves academically, the more money he/she is going to have. And although I was against this belief, it somehow still lurked in my unconscious for a really long time. I thought that when I was older, somehow everything would come to me at the right time, and I would have everything figured out. Yet what i see is this realisation coming to me at this uncanny timing, and no, I havent had everything figured out yet and i doubt 2o year old me would too.

So i said this thing about my mind being all woo-woo and esoteric? Yeah… The universe kind of coupled me with a few hints here and there. Believe iimages-2.jpgn signs and omens? I do! I do!

but hmm.. Where shall i start.

So basically I started to think about my passion. and passion, to me, is something that can be done for hours and hours without being tired, and for me, that’s either sleep (Ha. Ha. Nice try right), and writing.

Writing has always been a way for me to relate to myself. It is a safe place for me to express my vulnerabilities and has made me understand myself and my feelings. Sometimes I write just so that the moment could be preserved as words on paper.

But i also realised that connection is what makes me really want to live. Being able to relate to people, and people relate to me.

But that’s how life is. Knowing that i’m not alone makes me feel much safer in the unpredictable world i live in. We all grow up to be social creatures, and for someone else to understand and relate to moments of insecurity and vulnerability is just precious.

But heck. Writing? Online? Me? That’s just scary.

Yeah… but the universe wasn’t having any of that. So to convince me, one would have to, not only have other people say it,  but also should make the person lose their phone, and moments later walk in front of a building named “Writers’ Guild”. So that’s what the universe did.

Initially, many people suggested ideas on how i could progress with my writing. But since that didn’t move me enough, I lost my phone in the toilet after questioning why Americans have such huge gaps between their toilet doors. So i took a picture out of amusement, and i kinda left it on top of the toilet roll, never seeing it again after that. Shortly after, I walked past a building called “Writer’s Guild”, near Whole Foods. A round of
applause for synchronicity.





I was surprised at how calm i felt. I wasn’t nervous
or scared to death. i wasn’t even scared at all. In fact, I was honoured to have my phone in the care of Los Angeles. I was a little nostalgic because that phone has been with me for almost 2 years. It’s where a chunk of my diary entries are, my study notes, my pictures.

Kak Azlin reminded me to go with the flow, which I did because at that time, the universe was being plain cheeky.

And my mom called in when we were in Whole Foods, while I was just basking in the atmosphere of Organic EVERYTHING.

I told my mom what happened, and she analyzed perfectly this sign given by the universe. The universe wants me to write and I want me to write, but a huge part of me also just wants to just write the diary kind of “write”. I just didnt want to write publicly because of the different possibilities that could happen.


And I don’t know what’s going to happen after this post, if i want to write again like this or not. This is different than the diary kind of entries I’m used to writing. This isn’t “diary” personal. It’s the kind of personal that wants to share stories with people. So.. I guess things only happen publish button after publish button huh?