Existential Crisis

“You have to start thinking about the friends you’re making. You’re not giving  a very good impression here,” she said with a couple other words that passed me by.

Her chiding tone left me with a hollow feel of shame, and it intensified as my brain further registered her disappointment. I felt like a little kid who was reprimanded for doing something wrong and then continuing the day like the biggest loser.

I felt like a loser.

It’s one of those feelings where i just dont want to say anything anymore, or even do anything. I’m one step closer to being fed-up with not being heard. One step closer, whilst still being completely afraid. Afraid that if i said something, no one would listen, or if they did, they’d do it out of pity. and eventually they’d get tired of what i have to say, and stun me with unexpected disapproval.

I hate adults because of the power they have over me. I hate how they dominate with rules, the pettiest rules exaggerated into harsh insult. I hate adults because they have the upper hand for calling me out, while i’m just… Rude. Or giving off a bad freaking impression.

“You are your own person,” she also said.

In complete disdain.
In complete annoyance.

So many voices in my head, and i dont know which sounds belong to me. Maybe they all do. i cant tell.

But if only she knew. And i hate her for not knowing.

That i actually dont know who i am. And maybe i’m just obsessed with identity, and that makes me cling onto whatever i can get my hands on, cling on for dear dear life.

But when i find something that might just be a part of me, people like her come along to disapprove me and ruin my Friday and make me go in an existential crisis swirl that never seems to end.

Now i dont know if i really like the things i like.

And if i hate the things i hate. What if i made an enemy out of it just so i could relate to people i have no choice but to relate to?

and i dont know me. I dont know how to stand up for myself. I dont know how to be firm, because whenever i fight back, i feel powerless again.


6:51pm, Friday, 11.3.2016



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