Do you know the nerve-wrecking feeling of nervousness. Of anxiety.

Like, the next step to take could go one of two ways. It could go really well. Or. It could be a nightmare.

Im exhausting the possibilities of what could go wrong in hope that none of them happen. Aka, i overthink.

I overanalyze until i lay paralyzed with fear. And i hope that none of them happen.

Im nervous as hell. Like seriously the closer i am to taking this step, the realer it is. The harder reality hits me across the face. Reality isn’t always gentle.

I cant help but exhaust myself with what could go wrong because every single time i expect good, none of them happens the way i wanted it too. All of them took a turn to its worst and left me disappointed.

Like seriously.

This bedroom is for the thoughts that make me panic. It’s a safe place where i can really feel what i feel without needing to hide it and save it for later.

This bedroom is my literal haven. It’s the place where all my desires are born and also all my fears. But it’s a place where even the walls comfort me. It’s that close to my heart.

This is the place where i fantasize about moving out someday on my own. I know i’ll have to leave certain things behind someday, like this room.

I dont know why but there are some houses that I’ve stayed in that still call me. Houses that i’ve left for like 8 years. Like my childhood houses.

And oh boy. Oh boy.

Im so scared and so afraid. The waters look like they haven’t eaten in months. And it looks like im the meal it’s been waiting for all its life.

Change is scary shit. Decisions.

In this reality, there are big girl panties to pull up. But that’s just a way to cope.

After everything, it happens again.

The fear.

Insecure.

Insecure about being insecure.

There are two kinds of fears that have their own intensities. And its intensity is dependent upon how much you are focused upon it, how much you sre aware of it basically.

It’s right to say that whatever you focus on grows. But it’s just a matter of awareness that brings whatever you’ve hidden and denied suddenly appear for what it seems to be the first time. When in reality it has existed within you all the while.

So yes. What you focus on grows. It didn’t suddenly appear. It was there all along.

Intensity is changeable. Intensity is just how much you want to feel.

And. When you deny whatever you feel, you are still experiencing it on a sub-conscious level.
So, it’s either you experience things consciously or sub-consciously.

You might have denied shame.
So as a result, you still feel shame sub-consciously.

It doesn’t go away. It’s like a child that needs you to understand it.

And that’s why people get miserable really. All ages no exepctions.

I’ve just been particularly more aware of my thoughts than ever before. And it feels great and really really bad at the same time.

Like it gives me relief to finally accept my emotions. And at the same time when they crash it feels bad. Like when i sink into it, i feel the emotion so deeply that the emotion knows i allow it in. And that i see it. And i feel it.

It’s true they say certain experiences follow you to the end of the earth. Different faces, different places. But tge same emotion begging for attention and love.

They follow you to the ends of the earth, wherever you are.

So now, whenever i find myself denying my emotions, i say to myself , “It’s either i face this consciously or sub-consciously.”

And the thing about the sub-conscious is that they have the things we dont know that we dont even know. And sometimes emotions slip into the sub conscious without you even realising.

Because sometimes emotions need to stay in the sub-conscious; it cannot be pulled forcefully into the light of consciousness.

There will always be sub-conscious thought patterns. Sometimes, they dont want you to realise it because it knows that your first instinct toward it is to get rid of it.

And emotions dont want to be gotten rid of. They dont want to be consciously realised for the sake of it being removed.

It’s not anyone’s job to do anything.

The thing about thoughts is that it gets complicated because of the many loopholes it has.

But go on with whatever.

You’re never wrong.

You’re never right.

You’re just what you are. And what are you?

That’s a question. That’s one hell of a question. And you dont need to know what you are. Or who you are. There isnt anything you need to do. Spmetimez you might know and sometimes you go searching or sometimes you really dont care. It’s just a mystery. There are rules, and there are no rules. You have your own and you can go by them or against them. And whatever you find is yours to do whatever with.

You can do whatever you want. And yet you are still constricted by your own beliefs.

There are so many things. No words could explain.

3.31 am

29th December 2015

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