18th Dec 2015
I feel fearful sometimes… and small. And very very insecure.
God sent me an angel earlier today to remind me of many things I forget easily. It made me feel so much hope… So much hope.
Change is intimidating. Right now is me living in the pretense of what could be… and there’s too many things that could be, that could happen. Too many things… And overthinking is something that just can’t do without me. Right here right now, over analyzing is too much for me to resist. It’s like a wave pushing me into a rapid current of “what ifs” and “what if nots”. And this is the part where i dont even try to push it away because i. Just. Couldnt.
Sometimes these demeaning thoughts make me wonder many things. And they make me ask a heck ton of questions about everything.
And in turn the universe replies in all sorts of amusing ways. Very very very amusing. And sometimes by amusing, I mean it leaves me hungry for more. I just want to know what this is all about, what everything is all about.
Curiosity is a funny thing. As funny as the universe, as frustrating as the universe. Curiosity always knows there’s more, it just cannot settle for less, at least this is what curiosity does to me.
Yep. Yep. Yep… i like to ramble. Honestly. At this point i feel very insecure. At this point i have edited a lot of things because.
But like i said the universe is interesting. Interesting enough. Too interesting for my liking sometimes.
Earlier today, it felt really good because i had a talk with a very special person. And she talked about her insecurities and i didnt feel so alone anymore.
The saying “youre not alone” is hugely frustrating… until the universe shows you what it means right before your eyeballs.
And then you feel better.
Well, i felt better.
Next year. Next year is just a whole other adventure. It could be scary. It could be fun. It could be meh. Or it could be a mixture of all. Secretly i hope i dont have to face the scary. The scary is… very scary. That’s why i overthink everything. I have this belief that if i thought consciously of all the bad things that would happen, it wouldnt happen.
And i tested my theory. It works 60% of the time. Im not very good with the statistics, but me still doing it proves how much i dont want to mess next year up. I just dont want it to go haywire..
Lemme tell you something. The same experiences will keep repeating itself over and over again until goodness knows how long. It will chase you wherever you go.
I didnt really understand what that meant until it happened to me… well, it is going to happen to me.
I have been very brutally honest with myself ever since i discovered Teal’s teachings… and i have had some major discoveries.
The universe is a mind game. It’s all fun and rosy.
I actually thought i got over some things, until Bam. It just came charging full speed in my direction. Haywire.
All my fears about next year is exactly what i had to go through two years ago, only with a few roles reversed. Different places different faces. But the same fear, even more exaggerated in this case.
The same things i supressed two years ago comes back to me again right now, onlooking another two years to come. In my mind im like ‘shit…’
Like, yes. You’ve got my attention. My full attention. My emotions have the upperhand now, and all justifications against them are in my awareness, but they step aside to let my feelings feel.
Like yes. You got me. I hear you now. Speak.
And so they speak their sorrows and cry their tears. And they beg me to not leave them alone.
Not this time.
So i feel them. So i worry. So i feel the anxiety that rips me apart. I feel the anxiety of what ifs. I feel them and i wonder. When do they really go away?
And then my emotions get angry because they dont want to be just another list to complete. They want to be fully understood. They dont want to be something to be listened to just so it could be eradicated. They want to be accepted and voiced…. And i watched this beautiful discussion between Teal Swan and Matt Kahn… And Matt said that you dont let go of the why. The why lets go of you.
And in the moment i realised all this. A part of me just understood the other parts of myself that just want to be understood.
And i feel relief because once my feelings have been given a voice, they make way for other feelings to be felt. But they dont falter… they simply know that i know that all they want is love. And all they really want is to be loved and accepted.
Like i said… they dont falter. They still exist. They will live with me forever and always, and they will forever and always just want love.
Teal and Matt said something so extraordinary. They said that emotions are like children. They want your approval and attention and love… and since you pay little attention to it when things are going well for you, and pay most attention to it when things arent going so well…….
They will always want your attention even if it was negative. And thus, it will continue trying to catch your attention..
And oh boy oh boy. This one caught my attention.
Teal said that being present means being present with whatever emotion arises within you. Even if that meant sadness, or even happiness. Sit with yourself through those times and let the emotion course through..
Even resistance is a child wanting to be loved…
And so is jealousy… and anger… and happiness…
Surprise surprise… most people on earth wont allow themselves to be happy. Or being angry… or being jealous…. or being judgemental….
And im still so afraid of whatever it is that might happen. Still afraid. Honestly fear is something i want to get rid of so badly, and i know how much of a peace theif it is.
The funny thing that gave me a huge paradigm shift ….. ready ….
Is that even the part of you that wants all negative emotions gone wants to be loved. It equally craves love and approval.
A huge shocker. So now. It’s like i have so many children to listen to, so many children with different wants and needs. I dont know who to listen to first. I just dont know. One belief is just contradicting the other and i have to accept both???
And then i start to feel overwhelmed like i always do with these emotions. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that i have to keep a mental note to get back to feeling an emotion because i would be too overwhelmed to face it.
It’s such a funny thing… a funny thing to watch from a distance, but it’s another thing to actually touch it. With bare naked hands.
I wonder. I just wonder.
Because my mind keeps changing so many many many times… i just wonder where a year would even lead me.
I wonder. And i wonder..
You could go about this in circles, which is what i do. Or, you could go about it in circles.
It isnt actually a bad thing… There are just some things you havent seen the first time… You go around in circles and the way you look at things changes, so the thing you look at literally changes.
It’s always about what to clear next…what to change next about yourself in terms of how you are and what you feel. Always something to change like there’s something wrong about something so natural.
You know… Because my mind has been changing so many times about so many things, i was lead to one of Matt’s talks. And something that jumped at me really readily…
“… …i am guiding you unto becoming a guide unto yourself……. in the modern day spiritual era, there are spirit guides who help you to learn how to guide yourself… A guide, if given power from someone, is only there to polish your power and give it back to you more sparkly than you gave it. I am a power polisher, not a power taker……. and to make a shift in consciousness where you are not a person waiting to be guided, but you are the guide of the body, residing in form.” – Matt Kahn.
This. I dont even know. But when i heard this, it felt like as if the universe had given me the realisation that my opinions are as valid as the next person. My beliefs. My beliefs are a legit part of me that have their own guidance system. My beliefs are legit and real… and whatever i resonate with are legit… and that it would always lead me to something else. And something else and something else. And it would never end. And it would be a never ending process of self discovery that could either be beautiful or scary but either way it would still be really really…. wow.
Because every single time you discover something new, you discover a part of yourself.
And im just… saoking in the new paradigm.
I should go now. Anyways…
Till next time.